Broke Open

Spoken word-

I've always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Never quite acknowledging my intuition or how Im truly feeling within.
It was all within me waiting to be expressed. I just didn't have the clarity whilst I was depressed.
Blank pages before me until the universe handed me a pen.
So I wrote, I wrote till the pen broke.
Until I broke -  open.

But whilst we're we so wrapped up in our brokenness we forget things can be fixed.
We've become so obessed with letting go that we've forgotton how to hold on.
But then again Im the one left holding the rope - lead on.
Sometimes It feels like a noose around my neck.. the pain spreads from my chest -
And I cant even look in his eyes because all I see is what our son would've looked like.
That loss was a tough pill to swallow, left a space in my heart so hollow, empty like my womb - a place meant to craddle life held death like a tomb.
Left to bleed out alone in my home.
And that pain still lingers - it lingers as the time seeps like sand through my fingers.
They say time heals all wounds but the scars still remain. You can't just forget when its imprinted in your brain.

You know what they say, you can't heal what you refuse to feel.
So I'll allow myself to bleed yet another death,
Let it burn and lay the ashes to rest.
but I give thanks - to be able to love so deeply where others can only merely dip their toes in.
If you perception of me is a reflection of you, no wonder you're so scared to dive in.
Now it's too late to turn back - You cant talk your way out of situations you behaved your way into. If your not even on the same page as yourself how can anyone been on the same page as you.

You see it's not love that kills a good thing it's the insecurities we carry from partner to partner, moving from one to the other but when unhealed wounds become exposed you start planning your departure. And So you run, you'll circle these cycles you think your breaking, but the only things breaking are these hearts that your taking.

I'm ripping out the frame and throwing my pain at this canvas. I'll throw all of the pain now there's nothing left to gain. Capitalized off my trauma, threw the gas and then lit the match - nah you just met your match, cz I see your words & actions don't even match & how you play games when a female gets attached.
You taught me to speak with my chest
But now Im speaking your language you cant seem to handle what I've expressed. I've already seen how this plays out, but which side of yourself do what you wanna be about? Who prays for your soul whilst your riding for clout, but as you go on you'll figure that out. If your not careful you'll see my foresight with your hindsight - but I still fucking pray that you do what's right.
And I hate the fact that I can't even hate you, your my twin flame so I'm just like you.

Self preservation will have you making fucked up decisions
Just to avoid feeling like your in the losing position.
How will we grow by running from responsibilities sinking back into the comfort of other easy possibilities. knowing each others vulnerabilities and playing games with those insecurities- because if we're not at peace with ourselves no partner will provide our souls with tranquility.

I'm just trying to rebuild and lay my foundations, stay focused and not give into all those temptations. Heal those parts of myself that attract these vibrations and not neglect my own aspirations.
But I finally realise that everything I've ever needed is already within me. So why am I so scared to lose somebody when each time I do I find another part me. I gotta take my love back and nurture my soul and remind myself that even after everything Ive been through I can be whole.
I'm  breaking into myself and it's giving me blisters, Im trying not to turn cold and remain soft through the harshest of winters,
My minds in overdrive trying to make sense of all the reasons,
Im bruised but I know I'll still bloom through all seasons.